Simon Says

 

By: Shifa Rajwani

  1. Be thin, but not too thin. Like thin enough you could be mistaken as a runway model, but only from a distance. 

  2. Look accessible, but don’t actually be accessible. Your cool girl persona might shatter! 

  3. Be conventionally attractive, but single out one part of your face that you’re “insecure” about so you’re relatable to the masses. 

  4. Claim you don’t follow trends, but be sure to incorporate all of them into your outfits simultaneously! 

  5. Call yourself a minimalist, but own thousands of pieces to be seen only once. Sustainability be damned!

  6. Perfect the just-rolled-out-of-bed look. You know, the one that takes a minimum of an hour. But make sure no one knows it took that long.

  7. Document every life event. Your divorce proceedings? News-worthy! Your gynecologist appointment? Remarkable. Nothing is off-limits!

  8. Be vocal, but never about the things that demand urgent attention. You can talk about fabrics and textiles, but only about your appreciation of them, not about the conditions they’re produced under. 

  9. Monetize your work, but only in a way that feels authentic. But don’t try too hard, god forbid anyone thinks you take this seriously. 

  10. Follow all of the fashion rules, but flout all of them!


Full disclosure: this is 100% satire. I do a lot of the things listed above and so many of the people I love and admire do too. I’m aware that I’m thin and probably document too much of my life on social media, but I also wish I didn’t care as much about these things. There’s no point in caring about fashion and our behaviors regarding it if we can’t be critical of it.


 
Off The Cuff Magazine