Never Been in Love
By: Allie Antonevich
To learn about love, these are songs that I listen to:
Sycamore Girl - Rex Orange County
Dumb Stuff - LANY
Commes Des Garçon - Frank Ocean
LOVE. - Kendrick Lamar feat. Zacari
Belong To You (6lack remix) - Sabrina Claudio
High For This - The Weeknd
Lavender and Velvet - Alina Baraz
Crush - Yuna feat. Usher
You - alextbh
L$D - A$ap Rocky
Far Away - London Richards
Lover, Where Do You Live? - Highasakite
Please Be Mine - Molly Burch
I am nineteen years old, and I have never been in love. I have never been in a relationship. I have never shared those truths with anyone. I keep them in my pocket. I have stayed in a comfort zone of innocent crushes my entire life. Over the past few years, I have watched my friends fall into a new world of lust and love and comfort and heartbreak and pain, while I sit on the sidelines, waiting peacefully, my hands clasped tight.
This is not to say that I haven’t fallen for people before; I have had boys take up brain space (more space than I would like to admit). I have found nerdy, glasses-wearing boys, who like Neil deGrasse Tyson, talk to me about poems they write, and help me with physics questions that I know the answers to. I have found boys who send me music to listen late at night; as I put my headphones in and float into the darkness, I think of them. I have found boys who referee games with me make my stomach flip upside down when they lean in close to talk about the match. I have found boys who bump into me on purpose when we rack kayaks together make sure to let their eyes linger on mine.
I recently stumbled upon a poem I wrote, and I remember how easily the words flowed from my heart to my brain to my pencil.“That night, we talk about music / But do we talk about music? / I can’t remember fully because it’s my soul that has the good memory and she’s far gone.”
I’ve been so fascinated by romantic love because it is something that remains such a foreign concept to me. I read books about love, I listen to songs about love, and I write about love in order to grasp the sense of such a powerful emotion. I watch films where characters can just fall onto each other, where they can touch each other and the electricity is still there, but the initial shock is gone. Comfort. That is what I have yet to feel with another individual. If I can’t feel it first hand, I want to figure it out second hand. That’s just the kind of over-thinker I am.
It’s that time in my life where people have started to pair off. They are floating to the clouds, their bodies like balloons, connected together by a string that extends from their hearts. I’ve had people tell me that it just feels right. They have comfort; they have someone in their life they can trust. I have never felt that way with an individual before, and that’s when it starts to sting.
But these boys that I talked about… perhaps it had the potential to turn from an innocent crush to love. But I do not like to be vulnerable, and I do not like to overshare. That magical emotion can also lead to hurt and heartbreak and I catch myself wondering if all that is worth the risk. Love will remain a closed door until I begin to leave the comfort zone I have settled into.